On Being Wistful!

Wistful, quite a word! I'm not even 100% sure what it means... maybe longing or thinking back fondly close.  Just for kicks I think I'll look it up in a hard cover Webster's (yes, they still exist)! Webster says it is "showing or expressing vague feelings."  Well, that describes where I'm at right now - my feelings are vague, almost unreachable, definitely not very describable.  Though that is exactly what I'm doing right now.

I found another one of Mom's sayings or poems scratched on a small piece of paper:
Some one loves me,
Guess who,
It is me.....
    Yvonne Fahlenkamp

Maybe she made that up, maybe she didn't - but I do know it is something that just came into her mind and she had to write it down.  I'm not sure she ever shared it with anyone.  I do know that she does sometimes share her poetry by reading it out loud.  She has done so at church circles and past family reunions.  

I've never been in a place that makes me feel so wistful!  It is organized clutter.  There is a real sense of pride and a sense that Mom took care to place everything in just the right place for just the right purpose.  Right down to the smallest of nick-knacks.  As for me, I tend to have disorganized clutter and every time I try to do something about it... well, nothing happens, it just stays disorganized.

Well, it is time to get busy again and that is just what I'm going to do! I'll finish this later.

About an hour has passed. So, this is later and I'm gonna finish this entry.  I've gone from being "wistful" to being "mildly irritated" so it is probably a good time.  For what you ask, to finish this blog entry of course!  Anyway, still a lot of day ahead of me and a ton of things to take care of.  The most important thing is that I'm making significant progress. Kinda like GE used to say... Progress Is Our Most Important Product... or something of that nature.  Have a great day, enjoy your moments!

The Book of Mom - Maybe?

Just a Few of The Many nick-Knacks!

I'm planning my day.  I ran across my mother's poetry the other day whilst cleaning the house.  I've made a copy and of course returned the originals to their proper place.  I found some beautiful and pretty self-revealing poems.  I'll figure out a way to share with her children and grandchildren at some point.  Maybe in something called "The Book of Mom". 

I'm going to start cleaning the basement today - lots of dead bugs to vacuum up!  I'll also see what cleaning supplies are needed and take care of that.  I've started dusting upstairs -very carefully because there are literally hundreds of nick-Knacks! As I do this I visualize the happiness that was in the house and that I can still feel.  I wonder what joyous occasions and sad were held here.  I remember some of the Christmases in the basement - and Thanksgiving Dinners that mom and dad hosted while they were still able.

I remember the laughter, the tears, the conversation of mom and dad's children, spouses, and grand children! 

Dad Liked Taking the Pictures!!

I also think a wee bit about the things that we struggled through as family - a night I flew here from Colorado to help with brother Lew and the trip to the hospital the morning after.   I remember being here with Chad and Wendfal and our grand daughter Autumn and grandson Wolfgang.  I recall making a trip to one of Lew's holiday dinners with Carolyn, Jeremiah, Rosana and baby Kairi.  There was so much more - but these are the moments that come to mind this morning.

I do remember more the "Story House" - that is the last Montezuma house that I really lived in with the family - that's where we lived when LJ was born. The picture shows me and all my siblings except for sister Sharon.  LJ is the little clown in the lower left.  I think the dogs name was Tina Von Dockleheim or something like that!  I don't remember what Mom and Jacque-lee were discussing, but it must have been pretty interesting!

I'm sure today will bring lots and lots of memories and precious moments!  Make sure to enjoy your moments, each and every one of them!

Anonymous Comments - Hey, It Is Okay

I had a comment from a blog reader a few days ago, more like a question.  The individual asked "what inspires you to write?  How do you get started?"  The answer, for me, is quite simple.  I don't think about it.  There have been many times when I've said I'll do this every day.  That isn't going to happen and perhaps it shouldn't happen.  I think I write when something inside me says "you've got to get some thoughts down in black and white!"  So, I turn to this and write.  Carolyn journals every day.  They are her personal thoughts and whatever - I say whatever because she has and probably never will share those thoughts with me or anyone else.  I think for her it is a matter of making "meaning" of things in her life.  Interesting that I have never asked her about that.  Maybe I think it is or would be an invasion of her privacy.

For me - when I write- it is kind of a release.  It is an opportunity to let go of something that needs letting go of.  It is a matter of sharing my thoughts, feelings, emotions in such a way that maybe someone else - even perfect strangers - may note or gain something that triggers a growth or longing or sense of peace or inquisitiveness somewhere in the depths of their heart and mind. Perhaps that is a bit "ostentatious" or "grandiose" but it is what flows from my mind to my fingertips to the written page.

For some reason I've been thinking a lot about ancestry lately.  Jack helped that a bit as he has traced his family back to BC - yes, BC.  Well, I'm not quite sure that is the reason I've become interested again.  I think it is more that when I see the names and dates it takes my very vivid imagination back to scenes of those days and gives me a greater sense of who I am and what my family has contributed to the gift of "being alive" and to what makes me, me! 

I feel, rather think that I'm at a point in my life where being "secretive" and having "secrets" is kinda stupid!  It isn't that there is any secret that I have that would be a revelation to anyone else.  It is just that there are those thoughts and feelings and emotions that have for some reason or another remained untold.  I'm not sure whether it is to protect me or to protect someone else.  I have this obsession about closed doors, drawers, containers and such.  It drives me a bit nuts when someone leaves a door or drawer ajar.  Perhaps there is a relationship to that and holding things tight to one's self.  A form of protection.  If the drawer is open something will be revealed that shouldn't be revealed.  Or perhaps there is no relationship at all and  its just if there is a door and it isn't fully open, it should be tightly and fully shut.... that is just the way of things.  But, I do think that somewhere there is a correlation!

Ah well, today is not going to be "just another day".  It is a day where I will have adventures of the soul and the mind.  My thoughts will, perhaps, take my places I've never been before and stir things up that may or may not be totally pleasant - but will always be a way of healing and getting more of a sense of what life means to me and to those who are and have been a part of my life.  Not necessarily re-living moments and times, but making whole the moments that I share and learn from right now.

Carolyn - I miss you and plan to talk with you today! You are indeed, the light of my life!